In Africa, most of the killing happen at night. Only the strong will survive.
There are so many ways to die in Africa.
You have probably heard about the Big Five. Lets run through them.
- The Lion– With his mighty roar-much, much worse than Katy Perry’s roar, he paralizes you with fear. Then his ten ladies gets you, silent but deadly. One moment you hear a whisper in the grass, then you see amber eyes, and then… The Darkness…
- The Leopard– He doesn’t like you, you are a funny baboon to him. But when he gets old- watch out! He stalks you, and jumps on you from behind, breaking your neck. Then he tenderises you by dragging your carcass into a high tree, so that the hyena and jackall dont get to eat you. There he leaves you until ripened to his tste…
- The Cape Buffalo– he really needs anger management classes. Especially if you were stupid enough to wound him. He will stalk you, and with those crooked horns he will rip your inners out. He will then stomp you,and in disgust leave you bleeding for the hyena.
- The Elephant– he was quite peaceful towards you as a human. He eats grass and leaves, not you. But after humans killed most of them to make piano keys (think Paul McCartney singing “Ebony and Ivory”) Elephants dont like pianos or the funny monkeys that play them. So he will storm you and with that hugy body he is much faster than you. He will throw you cartwheeling high into the air, and where you splsh down he will use his ivory to gore you like a kebab, and then stomp you. He then leaves you as a McFlurry for the jackal to drink you through a straw. Think juice extractor- That is Mr Ivory…
- The Hippopotamus- he looks so deceptively cute and peaceful. Did you see his mouth? His teeth? Dont be fooled, of all the Big 5 he has the most stuffed human heads as trophies on his wall. He outruns you and bites you in half.
- The rhinoceros– he was also dangerous. But he is dropping out of the Big 5 (That is why I have put the Leopard in…) , as dangerous as a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The last one will be poached by a gentleman from Mozambique with an AK 47 soon. Why? Because a lot of Asian men with extremely short horns believe that Rhino horn will make them beeg and strooong. But they will never be up to the task. They will still have tiny weiners. Like Shania Twain sings: That don’t impress much. While the Rhinos are gone soon, some advice for Mr Small Thingy- the ground horn of rhino poacher works much better for your purpose!
So no, the chance that a Rhino will kill you is quite small… They could do that when they were still around and had horns.
No Katy, there are no Tigers roaring in Africa, except in zoos.
There are a lot of other killers in Africa too. The crocodile is bad news. And even the smallest antilopes have killed humans when they rip open a main artery in your leg.
But the very worst killer n Africa, except the rebel with the AK 47, is the mosquito.
Here in Africa they can be huge.I overheard a conversation between a mosquito and his lady on my ceiling last night. He asked her: “What do you fancy, my love? Shall we dine in or do take aways with him?” Fortunately they dined in. I hate walking miles back home. As it is I need a blood transfusion to get up this morning. I am severely wounded and sucked dry this morning.
Africa is a dangerous place at night!
- Facts about the Big Five. (thenaturalcourse1.wordpress.com)
- The rhino is dying – thanks to China and Vietnam. How can we end this evil trade? (blogs.telegraph.co.uk)