Your entire community — however you define that; your hometown, your neighborhood, your family, your colleagues — is guaranteed to read your blog tomorrow. Write the post you’d like them all to see.
Photographers, artists, poets: show us COMMUNITY.
Fear not, dear citizens (in a Pauly Shore voice),
As your newly elected President of South Africa I am so pleased to address you all on this, my new Presidential blog.
- Thank you for the 6 people who did vote for me, and for my good friends who counted the votes at the ballot box. It was a Mugabe style take-over, but thank you for your vote anyway! Your vote is important to us. One man one vote- Rider is the MAn… his vote counts)
- As your newly elected African style dictator, I would like to bring the following to your attention:
- If this was the perfect world, there would only be this one rule: Treat your neighbour as you would want your dear own self to be treated. But as this is South Africa, you still want to be treated like sheep by a wolf (why else did you all vote ANC???)
- My Presidential VIP vehicle will only be a white Shitty Golf (the Golf 1 that VWSA kept on producing till about last week… #1 on the car thieves wishlist for some reason I don’t get)
3. Neither me, nor any one of my cabinet, need to go to Sweden to see how a country should be run. All travels further than Pretoria will be out of own pocket…
4. There will be no performance bonuses until every citizen has access to clean drinking water, and electricity.
5. All social grants for producing babies will be terminated immediately. All the billions saved in the process will be spent on job creation.
6. Your mere physical attendance at your place of work does not warrant a full salary. People who work hard will earn much, much more than people sitting around in the sun all day.
7. Criminals will be prosecuted by the full might of the law, It will start with zero tolerance to petty crime. And violent people will be taken out of society for ever. No bail for rapists, murderers and any violent behavior whatsoever. This dictator decrees: if you rape or kill, you lose your human rights. You will be shot at dawn.
8. No one in this government shall have access to any blue light brigade status. You obey the laws of the road like any other citizen, as you were elected to serve them.
9. No tax money shall be spent feeding fat cat politicians. All functions will be out of pocket for officials.
10. There will not a cent be spent on Defense till all the children of our country have good schools that can take them to university access anywhere in the world.
11. All politicians shall use the state health care, to ensure all patients gets treated with respect and dignity.
12. All politicians shall have only one spouse, as the Marriage Law of this country states…
13. All ex presidents, including the last one, mr Z, shall only be entitled to a 3 bedroom townhouse in the east of Pretoria on taxpayers money. Nkandla will be repossessed as an amusement park- Disneyworld Africa may apply for a 99 year lease…
14. Any official caught taking a bribe will be shot at dawn.
15. All racial discrimination, against ALL races, will be abolished immediately. No form may ask what your race is, as all of us are part of the Human Race. You buy your own farm, Julius. You get a loan from a bank to start a business like anybody else. You get access to state funded education loans like everybody else. You get to play on a level playing field when applying for a job- the best man or woman gets the job.
16. Our new Sport policy- the best candidates gets picked for the national teams. No exceptions. My new minister of Sport has a job description to see that all the new excellent schools have funds for excellent sporting facilities. Every child of South Africa will have the opportunity to show what is inside them, without anyone ever asking about their race again. Ever. We are South African.
17. Incompetent ministers do not get promoted or get to be ambassadors. They get fired. Or shot at dawn.
19. No grace will be given to criminals who shoot or harm a police officer. They will be shot at dawn.
20. No corrupt police official will be tolerated- they will be judged double so harshly as ordinary citizens. If you are corrupt, you will be shot at dawn twice.
Thank you for reading this excellent piece of African political drivel.
Now keep calm and carry on…